Memoirs of a Silent Soul

I stood there helpless and looked over the footbridge one last time as I felt the train slowly moving across the platform. My mind was wandering and my heart was clogging, I sighed and took a deep breath and looked on……

Expressions mean the world to me, the senses gifted unlike no other, to laugh, to cry and to hope for, a sense that adds meaning to a million words which follow. I have always been happy that I’ve been someone who can write what I feel in my heart as the way it pours and it’s pretty lovely that words just seep as I churn my heart with all the memories I have made. And some of the best memories I have made are those marvelous journeys I have made. Yeah I love journeys, and I specially love making those journeys by trains. Trains for me are memories which run on rails. From the sounds they make to the stir they create in your heart. It just cannot be explained. And being this kind of a person isn’t easy all the time. I carry this emotional bag of memories where ever I go, and I just keep stacking them over and over again. And when I go through those places again, I just remove that stack and play it just to cherish it all over again, like it happened the first time.

It was time to move back home, it was time to get back to Chennai. It was drizzling just like that day. It was all the same all of a sudden, just that my heart wasn’t the same as it was, and my life no more was either. My train was the Chennai Express which reaches KJM at 12:15am in the middle of the night. An odd time to be catching a train, but for me, it sure remains as one of the most held on moments to remember and cherish. It was a cold bone chilling night, I stepped into the footbridge and I still remember the day it happened, for some reason I felt very heavy, I wanted to move on but it was hard to move, I had all the strength in my hands, but my heart was toiling behind me to brush away those memories made. I looked around and the platform just a few people all cuddled warm. I got down from the last step as I walked into the platform slowly, I kept walking and suddenly looked back at the steps on the footbridge………….

I walked a little ahead slowly as I pulled away the suitcase with the rattling noise it made through my entire journey. I watched at the faces looking at me while I slowly pulled my case away with me. While I kept walked a lot of things were spiraling into my mind, thoughts about sweet things which have made this place so special to me. I don’t have the track of time but I sure have each moment crystallized in my heart, it’s all broken but it stood its time and am sure it will hold on for a little more. They say Love can make a man go crazy, oh yeah it sure does more than just that. I kept walking even further till I reached an old dust bin and I looked back at the steps on the footbridge………….

I remember that rusty old dustbin, its got little holes on it, I recognized that rusty old bench which was next to it. I sat on that old bench and felt my hands on it. I realized that little things as little as an rusty old bench can hold some ones thoughts as deep as this. I kept my case to the corner and slowly looked into the bench. My heart was searching for something which it treasured very much and while I tardily looked, I saw those two rusty names which I was searching for. I kept my hands on those names and felt happy to myself. May be love doesn’t survive as it was meant to be, but the words which no longer carry emotions have survived the essences of pressure and time. I kept smiling at the names and kept them warm as long as I can. The night was getting colder while I sat alone in that bench and I looked back at the steps on the footbridge………….

While I sat there alone, I opened one of my favorite books, “Go Kiss The World” I was reading the 12^th chapter and reflecting on the thought which were going through the book. It nice to have a silent companion with you on a journey, a companion which always shares a new thought into your wide open mind. Books make a big part of my world, they are the little paper miracles who share me hope and words for a better tomorrow. And if it was not for those lovely books I share, I wouldn’t have known the essence of fine writing ever. While I was reading, I still remember that feel when I saw her walking down the pavement smiling at me. I looked up at her and smiled and asked her to sit beside me. I was at the last line on chapter 12 and the chapter was “The Journey Is the Reward”. I closed the book and kept my ticket as the bookmark, to this day it still remains. I read chapter 12 again for no reason and when I finished it, I looked back at the steps on the footbridge………….

It was getting colder by the minute and I took out this black woolen shawl, each thread reminded me of something very warm in my life. While I lay cuddled in with emotions, I heard the voice calling out that the train was going to shortly arrive in the station. I woke up with a jolt, shivering myself away from the deep drowning thoughts and looked around as those few passengers got themselves ready with their baggages. I sat there and kept wondering if life is as special it is as I think it is, or am I just drowning myself into this ocean of feelings which knew no fathoms. I was heavy and confused and felt helpless. I realized that moving on is very punishing when its true to your heart. But when its time, there is nothing else left for you to choose than to hold hands and move on.

After all life is just a magical box which fills in the best cookies as it chooses, the ones you’ve tasted are the ones you’ve chose to open and they’d be the ones to fill your life. My heart made me cry, I had little tears in my eyes and as I wiped them off my eyes I looked back at the steps on the footbridge………….

In a little while I heard the whistle of the train as it slowly made its way into the station. It was quite a moment, my mind wanted me to move, my heart wanted me to stay, I sat there confused and confounded thinking about my reflections on a beautiful life which had passed over me long before in this same place. I held on and stood up, closed my book and kept it inside my bag and felt my hands on the names for one last time and moved away leaving behind the notions I held on tight. I finally led them loose.

I got into the coach and stood by the door still looking on the bench while the time passed by and I heard the whistle again and felt the train slowly rolling away from and looked on as the bench lost its sight. In a distance I saw the lovely suspension bridge standing tall by the cold night as the train slowly swiveled away into the curves of the dark.

I stood there by the door helpless and looked over the footbridge for one last time as it crossed me by….. I sighed and took a deep breath and looked on over that cold night……